i want my mommy

For the past few months I've been having these dreams where my mom leaves me. Just up and leaves! Premise is always the same:
- she packs up and leaves without telling Z and I
- we scour the ends of the earth for her
- when we find her she denies having run away then sneaks away the next chance she gets
- she remarries some creepy guy
- she starts a new family
- she doesn't want to have anything to do with us anymore

Scenarios will be different but it's always the same plot some way or another. And I wake up horrified at the thought of losing her! Death becomes this major cloud looming over my head and I panic and cry. Losing my mom terrifies me. The idea of dying myself is also terrifying.

I missed my mom alot today because I had another one of those dreams last night, and thought about how I couldn't stand being away from her. When I was younger, I'd cling to her leg, curl up by her tummy in bed and listen to her pulse/heartbeat. Then I'd hear stories about how that was the only way I'd fall asleep as a baby - on her chest listening to her heartbeat. I'd always hold her hand in public. I'd hug her incessantly and tell her I loved her. We'd build forts in the living room every Friday night and camp out there, with snacks and rented movies. We were this trio and were all each other had - still are, really.

Then Z and I grew up and it was uncool to do all that with mom anymore. And it made it harder to be affectionate. Our family is not really big on openly hugging and telling each other we love them. It's like a cultural thing. So now that we were older it made it harder to just pick us up and shower us with kisses and make us giggle.

I wanna go back to that, to be young again, sans souci. To be in an innocent bubble. A time when I called my mom "mommy". Goodness, I wouldn't know what I'd do if I lost her - when I lose her. It's weird looking at her now and seeing the lines on her face and the wrinkles on her hands. God, I used to hold her hands so much as a child and admire them - how pretty, smooth, and lily white they were. We found old albums of hers from when she was in her 20s. Boy was she pretty. I was watching her as she flipped through the pages and you should've seen her face light up! She said, "When I was younger I would always wish for time to speed up because I couldn't wait to grow up. Now I wish it would slow down."
We looked through our baby albums and mom's smile glowed! You could see her just traveling back in time in her head. Time is crazy. I wonder if she ever gets scared the way I do. She believes in Heaven so she might not be as scared. And if she were she'd never show it. Every so often I wonder what it would be like. I told my best friend, Karen, about how I've been so scared of dying and asked what they thought it would be like. "It will be nice in the afterlife." She's spiritual as oppose to religious so she believes our spirits will turn into another energy and live on somehow. As for me, I broke away from my Catholic upbringing. And that's why I'm scared because I don't really know. It would be nice, though, if it were just like falling asleep and dreaming nice dreams, just very seamless and fluid.

Before I depress myself even more here's a little video I dug up of my mom from a year or 2 ago. We were discussing how I have a hard time winking and proceeded to go around the table and record ourselves winking. This was her attempt...




So badass!